Autorretrato II

So yeah. It's 5 am in the morning and Im writing some weird entry in my blog cause I don't know what to do. I'm actually sleepy but my mind started off with those crazy thoughts you get when you're about to fall asleep, and I was like I have to write it. It always feels like I get something off my chest when I write, like there's another me understanding what I write. Ok I'm freaking myself out.

I don't even know why the hell I'm writing this in english. I love english. I even express myself better in english. And it sounds kind of emo when I write in spanish. And I always find myself writing as if I was some Loca de Mierda wannabe which I'm certainly not, she's the one and only genius.

So I found myself thinking about what the hell am I doing with my own self. This sounds so emo, but it's actually not. It's kinda weird 'cause I don't think people just sit and start thinking about existential issues such as their very own existance. But I do. I'm 15 and I do. Yeah.

Guess all this came up when I read this sign on a blog that said that life wasn't about finding yourself but about creating what you wanna be. So then I figured that was what I have been doing up to now but without actually knowing it.

This has been happening since, like, forever. All my childhood, all my teens (still running, luckily. being an adult sucks [probably]). I've always been like my own invention, my own experiment.

But now thinking it over and over I don't know if it's as cool as I thought it was. Cause I don't even know what I like or what I don't, only when it comes to food and stuff like that. That stuff you find biologically disgusting. But I don't even know if the colors I like are the ones I REALLY like. I don't even know if we come to this world with those likes and dislikes...like if you carry them along with your genes or what. 'Cause following the pattern of you being your own invention, you don't. It's not like I was born liking purple or whatever. So I just made it up? I don't know. I do like purple. Do I like purple? Sometimes I like yellow. And pink. I like pink a lot. Do I? Was I born liking pink a lot? God, this pisses me off big time.

I think I'm really obsessed with being original. I NEED to make new things, I NEED to be the one who makes something new. The only one. And this happens to me since I started using diappers, I think. I always needed to be the one who created something that had never been seen before. The other kids at my school actually liked my ideas. It was fun. I felt so cool, I remember the feeling.

But as years went by I started finding that was not as cool as I first thought. Copycats started to become really annoying, not because there actually WAS full of them, but I thought there were lots. Like I couldn't stand that a person did the same things I did, or even talk the way I did. Yeah, I even thought I created a way of talking. Pityful.

So I found myself abandonning my own projects. The ideas that came from my head were inherited by the people in my surroundings. I was pissed off at first. I couldn't deal with the fact that people wouldn't give me enough recognition. I don't know what I was expecting, like quotation marks everytime they spoke a word I "invented". My so called inventions.

This still happens to me but without a big quote of ego. I don't see myself as THAT important, at all. But I keep finding myself abandonning my own projects, ideas I loved so much at first, but then other people started taking:

At the beginning of third year I was creating my own personality, I was kind of shaping who I wanted to be. I thought I had it clear, 'cause before it was kinda foggy. I had no idea what I wanted. So I convinced myself that I loved numbers. Yay, I love numbers. And I told myself I'd be an engineer. A chemical engineer. But then, everybody liked numbers. It was ok by then 'cause I thought I was the first one to think about it, and I thought everybody remembered that. But people often forget who's the first original one. Not that everyone was copying my idea or something. It seemed like they really liked numbers as well. Maybe they even liked them before I did. But they announced it at the same time as I did, so that pissed me off.

Along with the number thing came this personality I wanted to make myself believe I had. I wanted to be this cold, distant unexpressive person who once in a lifetime showed love for somthing or someone. I don't know why the hell I liked to be that person. I thought it was cool. Like, not showing love for people is cool. No it's not, moron. It's not something you should be proud of or that you should announce. "Yeah...I don't really like talking with people. Or hugging them. Or expressing love whatsoever". Oh yeah you're so cool. Just lock yourself in a cage and avoid human interaction completely. That will make you even cooler.

I can't figure why I wanted to be an ice cube, why I liked to be an ice cube. Cause I actually thought it was cool. Taking the word love away from my dictionary wouldn't make me any cooler. It made me a dick. And you need some maturity to see that, to see that your own invented personality sucks. But I didn't have that maturity by then, I learned to face my own criticism recently.

But people started to acquire that personality, even though it really did suck. Again, not because they were copying or whatever. But they were these distant and cold people anyway. So we were all proud ice cubes. Ice cubes who announced themselves as such with astonishing pride.

I then decided I had enough of that personality. I couldn't take so many people being what I had created for myself. So I decided I'd be this bitch, this whatever-I-don't-care bitch who wouldn't give a shit about the world. This one I abandoned, luckily, because I realised alone that it sucked. Why become a bitch just because? I don't know, I guess I thought it was cool. Again.

So recently I had some new ones, some new inventions. I stared to like humanities and said I'd be a lawyer, just like my father. And be into politics and just study, study, study till I got a title and live a wonderful life as a lawyer. I believed that was so much better than numbers 'cause numbers are cold; they are just numbers. Numbers don't express who you are or how you feel. They tell reality, but who wants reality? Nobody really does. Albert Einstein said that imagination is way more important than science. Science is limited, imagination is not. I still think these things (maybe I'll think this way only till someone else does. Then I won't feel original any more and will have to think about some other thing to become) but I would hate to see someone else doing so. I want to be the one that likes justice, that likes to be a lawyer and cares about the world, the country and people. So then I ask myself, do I really like this or is it just my latest project for myself? And I still don't know the answer.

Now, exactly now, I see myself with another project, but concerning music or actually a whole style. I have always liked rock and a genre of music I could never actually define, but I new I loved it. I heard it and it was just peace. Some time later I discovered it was called indie. I guess this is the reason that leads me to think I actually do like this music, that I authentically like it when I hear it. It's not like I heard the name and decided I'd be fond of it. I heard it and I enjoyed it, without thinking it.

But people are also liking rock and indie now, and I HATE that. And everybody is liking London too and it's even more annoying. 'Cause indie comes from London basically, and the bands I like come from London, and I want to live in London (dream about to accomplish) and dress up with British fashion. And I love Kate Moss, Alexa Chung, Alex Turner and Luke Pritchard. And the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. And Hugh Grant and Keira Knightley. And they're all from London. But everybody likes London now. It's that same feeling you get when somebody comes to tell you they heard this very cool song which you knew YEARS ago. It's like arghhhh get your own song fucker. The same happens with everything. I wanna be the only one to know THAT song. So I don't know weather to change this new project or what. People won't stop liking it and won't remember I liked it first. It pisses me off so much that it is so difficult to be and STAY as the original one. Everybody gets ideas from other people, but when it's your ideas it's just utterly frustrating. So difficult for people to KNOW that it's you who discovered that band, you the one who likes that T.V programme. You the one who likes humanities, is into indie, loves Pete Doherty is way into fashion and wants to live in London. People don't remember that. They just take your ideas and transform them into their own ideas. And all of a sudden you hear those "Yeah, London is so cool!". And you're like, yeah, I know. I've always loved it.

Gosh, it kills me. I don't want people to adopt my way of thinking, dressing, talking, standing, WHATEVER. I hate that I have to be so selfish in this sense. And I hate even more I thought of changing this style into a different music style, like electro pop such as Cobra Starship etc, which I also like but not as much as indie. But I refuse, I like all this indie thing a lot. I still want it to be mine.

And there are some ideas I can't even bear, like if anybody else starts playing guitar I'll get a heart attack. Or something. But strangely some people don't annoy me. Like my best friend plays guitar and I'm totally fine with it, I even like it. It's like someone to share. But it's not like I want to share everything with everybody. At all.

All this is why I ask myself if there's something I actually LIKE, 'cause I keep changing and changing and nothing's really constant. I like to be my own experiment but I don't like people to get my ideas. I'll run out of ideas some day. That day I prefer to die. No, not really.

Sometimes I get to think that what comes along with my genes is being this artsy, sensitive girl who writes songs and listens to music. But I KNOW that won't earn me a living, and that it's too far from reality. But I can't help thinking it's like the dream life, singing, dancing, playing guitar and getting paid for it. What a life. Not happening, anyway.

Some other times, I think I'd like a crazy life, like being some kind of insane stripper in a danceclub of Las Vegas or some hot dancer of Coyote Ugly in NY.

I don't know, there's so many things I'd love to be and there's no time. I can't accomplish all of these, and it's killing me. It kills me to know that I'm always running out of time, no matter if I'm young, old or whatever. And besides, somebody is always gonna take the idea of whatever I want to become, and that bugs me even more.

Whatever.

I keep thinking I over analyze things too much, that I over think them until they lose their charm. Maybe uncertainity is cool and I should stick to it. Maybe everybody gets this frustrated originality, and they just deal with it. And still have ideas that they let go because they hate the thieves of ideas, but just let this flow, like it's a normal thing of life. And I'm the one who's thinking it over and over 'cause I don't want to get to sleep.

I probably should.

Wow, I've written a lot.

Chau, blog. C U L8R